my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
