you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
