I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need moral support for this bender
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
