There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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