Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
