meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
