they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
