3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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