my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
