im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Randomize
