So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
