my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
