Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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