Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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