last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
