I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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