Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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