pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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