I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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