Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i've created a new STD.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
