Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
