the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
