All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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