he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
