Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
