He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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