I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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