Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
