I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
