I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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