Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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