I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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