I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
