..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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