I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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