Screwed.edu
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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