I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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