At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
