new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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