Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They have beer where we have blood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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