yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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