I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
