1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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