Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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