hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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