ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
