i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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