You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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