we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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