I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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